my babies!

Thank you Lord for my children. They are truly miracles as all children are.  They both gave me so much strength when I didn't think that I could fight one more day. Their sweet faces encouraged me and reminded me to never give up.  The hardest part of what I experienced involved my children.  Chemo is super toxic, and I was on 5 different chemo agents.  I had chemo every single week.  The first week of every round was inpatient, meaning that I checked into the hospital on Monday, pretty much received non-stop chemo including over night, and checked out Tuesday late afternoon.  Then when I got home, I was unable to touch my children for 48 hours.  This is because chemo can come out of your skin, tears, sweat, etc.  We could not risk the children's safety. So inpatient weeks, I could not touch my children for 4 out of 7 days.  Then on outpatient weeks, I went for 3-5 hours on Mondays, and then could not touch them Tuesday or Wednesday...so 3 out of 7 days not touching my own children. It was painful for me to not be able to hold a newborn, dry a two year olds tears, and snuggle. But there is literally NOTHING that I wouldn't do for my children.

A movie sent to me while I was in the hospital....makes me tear up!

I cannot describe that feeling and wouldn't want anyone to feel it.  To make the most of it, we called days that we could touch 'snuggle days' and my Avery so looked forward to that. In fact sometimes it still blows her mind that everyday is a snuggle day now.  She just asked me yesterday if I was feeling better. And I tell her, "I am feeling all better, now all I have left to do is grow some hair!!" I also gave Avery foam hearts that I had kissed with bright red lipstick so that she could wear my kisses.  She is amazing. She really seemed to understand that Mommy's big medicine made it so we could not snuggle for a little while. Her Pediatrician was exceptionally helpful with this, as he took time with her to explain everything and answer questions. Hospital stays were also made easier using an Ipad for facetime, thanks to a generous gift from a neighbor.

Snuggle day picture!

Now, a note about each of my babies...and pictures of course!

Avery is a baby that we had to fight to have. It took a long time but she was certainly worth the wait. She is the sweetest little girl.  She has been through so much and handled it with more grace than I could have.  I tried not to cry in front of her, but she could sense my struggle.  She would whisper to me, "be brave Mommy, I love you".  She also told me that she wanted to be a doctor when she grows up to make me feel better.  Precious. On inpatient Mondays, I would have to leave before she even woke up. I would have a secret message- a colored princess picture with a note written to her waiting downstairs for her when she woke up.  I am told that it would delight her to find it, and she would carry it around with her all day. I am so inspired by her. She is beautiful inside and out!

 

 

Owen William was almost one month early. After I was diagnosed, I was told that it is rare that any baby is born living when their mother has my cancer. In fact less than 20% live at all. He is a miracle in every sense of the word. I sometimes struggle with how much I missed with him... we had to stop breastfeeding when I was diagnosed, and I couldn't hold him or give him baths.  But honestly I choose to be so thankful for what I have...and I have all the time in the world with him now.  There was never any doubt that my little boy knew exactly who is Mommy is.  He is so sweet, and smiles with his whole body. I delight in him so much!

 

 

 

Who knew that so much strength could be given to me in such little packages.  Thank you Lord for the Little Liles.

Be Thankful!