I was diagnosed with cancer on a Thursday, met with a surgeon Friday, was hospitalized Saturday, surgery for port Monday, and chemo upon waking up from surgery. There was absolutely no time for me to process what was happening. Not to mention having a baby only 5 weeks earlier. So when I was sick, I did what anybody would do. I put on my armor and went to battle, waging absolute war against choriocarcinoma. And by the grace of God,I won that epic battle.

Now is the aftermath.

Now is the time to say "what just happened?" Now is the time to start processing everything. To say the battle is over for me would be untrue. Yes, the physical fight is over with the exception of chemo side effects. But now starts the emotional recovery, which for any person facing such serious circumstances is quite difficult. It is something that I am actively and prayerfully facing.

At Christmas I am reminded of so many things. You know, this sort of suffering was around at the time when Christ was born. Emmanuel. God with us. Does it ever make you wonder what Jesus thought about becoming like us? Did He ever think, I don't want to go down there, there is too much suffering, and yet I will have to suffer more than anyone has ever suffered?" I would have thought "you guys work it out down there. It's way better up here."  And yet, born in the purest of forms, in the humblest of circumstances, Jesus came to be with us and save us. Thank you Jesus, for facing the suffering without fear or even a second thought. And thank you for holding my hand through both physical and emotional trials.

Christmas is such a joyous time. Yet, troubles of the world like the unspeakable recent act in Connecticut seem to complicate things. My prayer for myself and for everyone really is that no worldly circumstances can take away from the spirit of Christmas. I pray that joy shines through like that great star on an otherwise dark night. And that when we see that star...we simply and humbly follow it out of the darkness and into the light.

I am thankful for that humble reminder.

And now..... our Santa picture. Because after speaking so seriously and thoughtfully, let's laugh together, shall we?

Be thankful.

Thankful for miracles

Thankful for Miracles

Surviving cancer was huge miracle for me this year. One that I will forever be thankful for and never take for granted. I did not think that I could feel any more blessed and then God amazed me once again.

Actually this entire blog was started to talk about my little girl, the surgery she had been through, and the surgery she would face. If you look at the first posting I talked about the horrible test she would have to endure. I showed pictures of her at every stage for kidney issues. The test that I was dreading had to be redone because my cancer pushed back her test till it was out of date. I was so upset about this. The surgery we were told that Avery would have to have this time included a major bladder reconstruction and would be a horrible recovery. I have prayed and prayed that God would please deliver my little girl from this.

And He did.

Once again Avery faced the VCUG test that was so hard for her endure. This time was every bit as difficult as the last if not more. But to the shock of her doctor, the test revealed an absence of any issues whatsoever. Her kidney reflux has literally disappeared leaving her body in perfect shape. She's completely healed and no longer needs any more surgery. In fact for the first time in her entire life she is no longer taking daily antibiotics. The doctor felt this was a miracle, and I couldn't agree more.

God is still in the business of miracles. This particular miracle is every bit as amazing as those we read about in the Bible. God heals the sick and comforts those in need. This year we are certainly a family in need. And we are certainly thankful for the miracles we have experienced more than ever.

 

 

Be thankful.

Thank for family- the out of towners

 

I am beyond thankful for my out of town family.  All of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents live out of town. I have always wished that we could all see each other more often. Well, my illness afforded me that exact opportunity.  I consider this a true blessing.  I was able to spend time with someone from every part of my family...from Cleveland, Tennessee, Delaware, Virginia, Pennsylvania, and even Arizona. And my children were able to really get to know our family in way that would have otherwise been quite difficult.  I consider this a true blessing and one of the extremely positive things that came from the entire situation.

My family, the fact that you would drop everything and devote your time to helping me, Robbie, our kids, my parents, and my siblings makes my heart overwhelmed with gratitude.  It was an obvious physical support to us, but words cannot describe the emotional support that you gave us.  I needed to see your faces. And when I did see you, I felt myself rally to fight much harder.  I felt so much stronger because you were there for me.

And now, a word about each of you...although let's face it, I won't be able to do it justice!

Gram and Grandpa-

Oh my heavens, I love you! Thank you for coming to spend time with us. I love our talks and hearing your stories.  I love seeing you with my kids...and Avery talks about you all the time! That is a very long trip, which you happily made for me time and time again.  And thank you for checking on me so often. It really means the world to me.

 Grandpa & Avery finding animals in the clouds

 

 

Grandpa holding Owen for the first time

 

Mom, Rach, me, and Gram

 



The Menhinicks

Grandpa, me, and Gram

Giving my sweet Gram a hug

 

 

A. Deb & U. Russ

 

I love you crazy kids! I will never be able to describe what it means to me that you came to us pretty much immediately after I was diagnosed.  And when I hemorrhaged that weekend, you were at my bedside in the hospital.  Words can't express how that makes me feel.

U. Russ, thank you for calling and checking on me all the time and making me laugh. You are nuts and I love it!!!!!

A. Deb, the Mega-bus rider, thank you for coming twice to help us. Thanks for playing with my babies.  Thank you for sitting with me while I received a very difficult round of chemo. I needed you, and you were there... plain and simple. I am tearing up writing this to you. All I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart. On a lighter note, you are now officially an expert colorer.... I should know, I've seen your work!

 

A Deb with Owen

A Deb and Avery

 

 

Aunt Nancy & The Wilson girls:

 

Oh Aunt Nance, my Dunkin buddy, how I love you. You are so much fun, and you crack me up.  I never knew that when I was just a little girl and I looked up to you....that as an adult I would still look up to you, but you would also be my friend. I love our talks, I love your honesty, and just having you around makes me so happy.  I miss you all the time.  Thank you for being there for me and encouraging me and my family.  So far, we have a stuffed duck, caterpillar, horse, and dog named Aunt Nancy.  I'd say that means that Avery loves you too!

 

Girls- I have absolutely LOVED getting to spend time with you recently. You all are so beautiful inside and out, and I feel closer to you than ever. I miss you terribly. Thank you so much for all of your support!

 

Owen loved his Aunt Nancy!

My friend

My gorgeous cousins

 

 

Uncle Bobby:

 

Alright Wardy, you're next.  I know it's not easy to be so far away, just like I know it's not easy to suffer so much....but you managed to come to help us regardless of your own health.  Thank you. I know that was probably tough, but I am forever thankful. Thanks for hold my mom's hand and sitting with me in the hospital... let's face it, scrabble and Uno are fun, but not in a oncology room. :)  My children love you.  Thanks for wearing 100 stickers on your shirt for Avery! One night in bed, Avery asked if Uncle Bobby wanted to come over and play.  I told her yes, he does, but it may take awhile for him to get here!! Thank you for being you...my funny uncle, my old pen pal. I love you.

 

Aunt Joyce, thank you for your prayers and for always posting encouraging things for me and about me. Even from Arizona, I could feel your support. Thank you and love you so!

 

Uncle Bob and Owen



The Wards

 

 

 

The Hanna's:

 

Auntie, who zoomed here as often as she could in her speedy white car, thank you for being my wonderful Aunt. I love you so much. You are so amazing....and hearing your laugh in combination with my mom's 'hoo hoo hoo" lifted my spirits so much! My mama needed her sis and there you were! Avery loves her story book you made her. She adores you! We miss you so much. I know it was hard for you to leave each time, especially on the brink of unsettling lab results that last time, but I want you to know that when you wave your hands as if saying "stop it I am tearing up"...it makes me realize how loved I am. It was hard for us to let you go! Thank you everything you are to me. I love you from the bottom of my heart. Uncle Jim, thanks for sharing your wife with us so much! I know it takes support in presence just as it does at a distance.

 

And of course, my sweet cousins, thank you for lifting my spirits with prayers and enouraging words. I loved seeing you all, and miss you like crazy. You are precious to me!

 

Oh that laugh

The girls!

 

Avery & Auntie

Greg and Rachel

Carrie and I



 

 

The Alcock's:

 

John, thank you for taking such good care of the kids that Regenia could come help me all those times. And thank you for coming to Owen's dedication. It meant so much to me. Love you!

 

Regenia, how can I put into words what you have done for me? You were here immediately when I was diagnosed. You helped us all the time so we could sleep and focus on getting better.  You were there to keep me grounded and to listen.  I feel closer to you than ever. We have been through so much together. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love you so much my sister. And I love your precious children, who were just what my kids needed to feel normal! PS- we need to take more pictures together...I am discovering as I write this. Love you dearly!

 

 

Avery and Annabelle

 

Avery, Kathleen, and Annabelle

 

 

Regenie and Annabelle



 

Princesses

 

Well, just as I thought.  I simply cannot do it justice.  This barely covers how I feel...but know that I am so thankful for extra time I got to spend with you all while I was sick.... it was a true silver lining for me. I love you more than words can say!

 

 

Be thankful!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 







Thankful for family- part 1: the in-towners

Just a quick note: I know it tugs on your heart strings to read my blog, it YANKS at mine! Gosh, I tear up as I write each one!! 

Warriors.  My family is made up of warriors.  Those who pray with all their might. Those who put on armor right there with me. 
I won't ever say that I have been through a lot....because WE have been through a lot.

When a family faces trials as intense as what we have faced, they have to come together and help each other through. That is exactly what my family did for me.  My parents took my family in, as it would be nearly impossible for Robbie to take care of me, a newborn, and a two year old all by himself. We have stayed with them through the duration and are searching for our new home to start fresh in.  They have helped us each day and encouraged my healing.  Mom, Dad, and Robbie would take shifts sitting with me during my inpatient chemo. They would play card games with me for hours, or watch me sleep in my hospital bed.  They would read me my daily dose of "Jesus Calling".  They would put a glove on just to hold my hand when I wasn't really allowed to touch anyone.  They would push my wheelchair or help me walk. My mom and Robbie cut off my hair....all things one should never have to do for their child or wife.  And yet they did it without hesitation.

 

 

My brother in law, Roger, dropped everything to help us.  He moved into our house and kept our house together while it was listed. As if that wasn't enough, he came over every day to help us with our kids. And as if THAT wasn't enough,  he fed Owen over night so we could sleep.  Then He would sneak upstairs in tuck Owen into bed before heading back to our house. Roger is an absolute gift, a blessing in every way. I love you so much Rog!

                                       Sweet Uncle Roger

My sister..oh my sister...who couldn't go a single day without seeing me regardless of school, student teaching, and wedding planning. She helped me so much just be being present. Even if she could only stop by the hospital for 10 minutes, she would. I know that I am the one who had cancer....but I almost prefer it that way, because I would not be able to handle it the other way around.  But baby Rachel did with such grace. When I was diagnosed and was waiting to have scans taken to see where else the cancer lurked, in comes my sister.  And we made a scene crying in the middle of the lobby...I mean a snotty red faced scene. We cry ugly. Thank you for calling many of my friends for me, I know that was hard. Thank you for everything you are to me. I love you Rachel... I adore you!

Oh Aaron, what did you sign up for? What a calm and encouraging presence you are when I need you. And you always make me laugh.  I can feel your prayers all the time. I love our talks. I love watching you be an uncle. Thank you so much for all you have done for me through this journey, and for all the support you have given my sister. I am so proud of you. You are my brother, I love you so much! 

Uncle Aaron

 No No. This is our nephew. That's all. :)

Adam and Erica- thank you for all of your love and support during my fight. And thank you so much for lifting Avery's spirits with sweet Julianna! Love you so! 

Adam, Julianna, Erica, Aaron, Rachel, me, Avery, Robbie & Owen

My family is amazing. Thank you Father for the gift of family. We aren't perfect, but we love each other perfectly.

Be Thankful!

Out of towners....you are next! :)

my babies!

Thank you Lord for my children. They are truly miracles as all children are.  They both gave me so much strength when I didn't think that I could fight one more day. Their sweet faces encouraged me and reminded me to never give up.  The hardest part of what I experienced involved my children.  Chemo is super toxic, and I was on 5 different chemo agents.  I had chemo every single week.  The first week of every round was inpatient, meaning that I checked into the hospital on Monday, pretty much received non-stop chemo including over night, and checked out Tuesday late afternoon.  Then when I got home, I was unable to touch my children for 48 hours.  This is because chemo can come out of your skin, tears, sweat, etc.  We could not risk the children's safety. So inpatient weeks, I could not touch my children for 4 out of 7 days.  Then on outpatient weeks, I went for 3-5 hours on Mondays, and then could not touch them Tuesday or Wednesday...so 3 out of 7 days not touching my own children. It was painful for me to not be able to hold a newborn, dry a two year olds tears, and snuggle. But there is literally NOTHING that I wouldn't do for my children.

A movie sent to me while I was in the hospital....makes me tear up!

I cannot describe that feeling and wouldn't want anyone to feel it.  To make the most of it, we called days that we could touch 'snuggle days' and my Avery so looked forward to that. In fact sometimes it still blows her mind that everyday is a snuggle day now.  She just asked me yesterday if I was feeling better. And I tell her, "I am feeling all better, now all I have left to do is grow some hair!!" I also gave Avery foam hearts that I had kissed with bright red lipstick so that she could wear my kisses.  She is amazing. She really seemed to understand that Mommy's big medicine made it so we could not snuggle for a little while. Her Pediatrician was exceptionally helpful with this, as he took time with her to explain everything and answer questions. Hospital stays were also made easier using an Ipad for facetime, thanks to a generous gift from a neighbor.

Snuggle day picture!

Now, a note about each of my babies...and pictures of course!

Avery is a baby that we had to fight to have. It took a long time but she was certainly worth the wait. She is the sweetest little girl.  She has been through so much and handled it with more grace than I could have.  I tried not to cry in front of her, but she could sense my struggle.  She would whisper to me, "be brave Mommy, I love you".  She also told me that she wanted to be a doctor when she grows up to make me feel better.  Precious. On inpatient Mondays, I would have to leave before she even woke up. I would have a secret message- a colored princess picture with a note written to her waiting downstairs for her when she woke up.  I am told that it would delight her to find it, and she would carry it around with her all day. I am so inspired by her. She is beautiful inside and out!

 

 

Owen William was almost one month early. After I was diagnosed, I was told that it is rare that any baby is born living when their mother has my cancer. In fact less than 20% live at all. He is a miracle in every sense of the word. I sometimes struggle with how much I missed with him... we had to stop breastfeeding when I was diagnosed, and I couldn't hold him or give him baths.  But honestly I choose to be so thankful for what I have...and I have all the time in the world with him now.  There was never any doubt that my little boy knew exactly who is Mommy is.  He is so sweet, and smiles with his whole body. I delight in him so much!

 

 

 

Who knew that so much strength could be given to me in such little packages.  Thank you Lord for the Little Liles.

Be Thankful!

My husband

I am thankful for my husband. He is truly an amazing human being.  We have been through so many trials and our first five years of marriage. The loss of his mother, the loss of a pregnancy, fertility issues, a child in surgery, and of course, cancer have all been a part of our story since we said I do. Too often it seems that trials cause division in marriages. This is not the case for us. God made us for each other and knew the strength we would need to find in each other. Thank you Father for creating my match.

One thing that really amazed me about Robbie is his response to my diagnosis. We both fell to tears as we were told the news. We didn't expect it in 1 million years. Both of us were so worried about our children and each other, but neither of us worried about ourselves. When the shock settled and reality became truly real to us, Robbie offered his thoughts. He told me, "I am not afraid of losing you because I know that you will not die from this. I am not one bit scared. my heart aches at the thought of what you will have to go through to beat this." isn't that amazing? He never doubted my success, and that is because of his faith in Christ.  He trusted the Lord with his whole heart and with my life. I delighted in watching him comfort others about our hardship. I look up to him and adore him.

I am so proud that he is the father of my children. He is so patient and calm. He really listens and is ready to play with his kids at any time. He is amazing.

Sorry for the sappiness but I just thought it was important to share something special about my husband. I pray that all girls are blessed to marry someone as wonderful as he is.

Be thankful!

Thankful for my nurses

I am thankful for my nurses.  Oh am I ever.  These girls are amazing in every way. 

I am thankful for the ladies on the 6th floor who helped me at the birth of my son and later when I hemorrhaged again and again.  It was amazing to feel the reassurance of a familiar face or friend as I endured painful procedures.  I could feel God's presence as prayers were whispered in my ear in my hospital bed.  And then, as I mustered up the courage to open my eyes and look as they wheeled me up to the 8th floor (oncology) for the first time, tears streamed down my face as I looked around my room and saw that friends and past co-workers had decorated my room with scripture, quotes, and inside jokes literally everywhere.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Oh oncology nurses.  I love you! I really got to know my nurses as I was there every other week for 18 weeks.  Angela and Nicole, words cannot express my gratitude for what you did for me.  You could have just administered my chemo, but instead, you went above and beyond, and were a constant presence of reassurance for me and my family.  I miss you both like crazy!  I look up to you so much, and feel inspired to be a better nurse because of both of you.  I also prayed for your decisions in my care and am so thankful for the opportunity to get to know you.  Thank you so much, there aren't enough words to express my gratitude to you!

Be thankful!

April- post hysterectomy